angelskin

Sat, 22 Feb 2003 00:28:27 GMT

and here i will hide

Wed, 08 May 2002 15:13:13 GMT

im glad i can cover this all from your eyes, you only know its there cause i tell you, but you can make it go away, you can forget... i have to look at it everyday and it reminds me of how much i have fallen apart, and it says the one word i could never bring myself to do by my own hand.... not unless you all pushed me away, but you wont do that, even when i try to make you. your words are what keeps me alive, this is where i miss my strength, and i pray to god i never get it cause then nothing will save me. chris, jamil, and gabe when i became your friend i didnt do it thinking it would be some random thing, i knew instantly that i wanted to be close to you. i will not let any of you let go, just as each of you in your own way have not let me.
jamil- i swear you are my light, i was petrified, shit i still am thanks for being selfish, thanks for not wanting me to go. without your love i am truely lost. you have been nothing but a rock for me to lean on. i love you more than a person like me should be allowed to.
chris- we dont talk like we used to, but everyday i think about you and just hope and pray someone will come and show you whats its like to be truely loved. hell if i have to walk there and do it myself i will because face it, get over your shit, you deserve as much love as i do, and you know im convinced i dont deserve any, and if you say i do i must,and the same goes for you. you have brought so much compassion and understanding into my life, and when all else fails you just listen, and sometimes i need that more than anything.
gabe- just me writing your name makes me smile, you are to me what i am to all of my friends. you heal me with laughter and these past few days without you gabe i have stunk at laughing. you have shown me so much, and when you dont show it through me it shines through everyday with sia, so many girls wanna be with you, and even if they dont admit it so many guys wanna be like you. and we have in common how we push people away, well im not gonna let you push me away gabe because you havent me. you took my side in things i never thought you would, and youre only human gabe you cant please everyone the only people you need to please are yourself and sia, the rest of us are along to pick you up when you fall. and even if everyone else throws rocks i will shield you gabe, you have brought so much laughter into my life.
i wouldnt change being a pink lady or alpha female of the wolf pack for anything! us four with our powers combined we're gonna rock it til it dont stop lol!!

AND I WILL KEEP DOING THIS UNTIL ALL THREE OF YOU SEE THE WONDERFUL THINGS THAT I SEE IN EACH OF YOU!!!
ps and if forced i will slap the shit outta you if it helps any!

Thu, 04 Apr 2002 20:58:55 GMT

been hanging out with my brother and sarah playing spades, and went bowling with carrie last night. decided that with the rest of my tax money im gonna save some of it and have a big fucking party at my brothers house. then im gonna get photoshop, and a digicam, and maybe buy a few months of a paid account.... whatevers left over will be used for the completion of my target hello kitty collection....

Mon, 01 Apr 2002 18:42:21 GMT

i got my period i got my period!!!!!!! sorry for all you who think im crazy dancing and singing joyously about it!!!!!! but i got it!!!!!!!
YAHOOOIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Mon, 01 Apr 2002 17:43:18 GMT

i have some news for everyone!!!! you guys wanna know!!!! huh huh do ya???? ill tell you later!

Sat, 30 Mar 2002 15:51:09 GMT

im still sick, and i still havent gotten my period, but i did talk to chris, and he apologized for everything he said to me. but still.... gawd yesterday sucked so much, i was cranky from being sick and we were at wally world, ghetto fabulous shopping the only place you can buy a ten pack of burritos and an outfit to match, well anyways my sister was trying to move the cart and i was standing there looking at something and she yells at me MOVE, and i was all oh no you didnt, so i walked up got right in her face and said look bitch dont get on my bad side today ill fuck your shit up, my mom was soooooo mad. but i tell you what meggie ignored me for a while but then acted civilized. i was so tired by the end of the day. and then i was falling asleep in my room when chris called.... so i went and hung out with him and we talked. and i got home and josh and sarah were here and i hadnt seen my brother in a few months so i stayed up to talk with them.
and ha, i told my mom my car was low on oil, cause when id get off the highway it would sound awful and drive kinda hard like, and she was all its something with the muffler, i said nah i dont think so, and at this point the oil gauge was really low, and this morning my dad checked it out just to make sure i was right, and sure enough i was. and my mom was all well you should pay more attention to your car, i said what the hell, i told you there was something wrong and exactly what it was and i know absolutly shit about the mechanics of a car, i know how to change tires and oil and thats it i told you exactly what was wrong.... HA HA!!! it feels good being right.

"Bondage is my thing. Bow to me, bitch."

What's Your Fetish? Take the test at Nollykin's World

Fri, 29 Mar 2002 16:36:37 GMT

im still sick and it sucks massively!
my dog bit me yesterday, and now that portion of my hand is all swollen and bruised and it hurts like hell the little fucker... sometimes i just wanna throw him in the street, but then again im against animal cruelty... dogs suck they are stupid attention needy butt sniffing leg humping brain power lacking animals.... now me i would love to bring home a cat, and see my dog try and chase that around, prefferably one not declawed hahahaha... now cats more fit me personality wise... they like to take naps and cough a lot and love their hair to be brushed love to be spoiled love seafood and when they want attention they come in and get it, and they dont need it all the time, and if you dont give it to them when they want it they put their butt in your face until you get the point... isnt it funny.... think about it cats= women dogs= men... i mean seriously if a pretty girl walks into a room the instant reaction is equivilant to that man humping her leg... and honestly for a little love and attention sometimes we have to demand it, even if we have to stick our butts in their faces.... im sure i could go into further detail but it will only be a downward spiral from this point. and quite honestly if we could lick ourselves like our animal counterparts the world would be such a nice place.....

TODAYS LYRICAL COMPARISONS TO MY LIFE COME FROM TOOL ENJOY!

Fri, 29 Mar 2002 16:17:54 GMT

HOW I FEEL TODAY:
Forty-Six & 2
My shadow's
Shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again.
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
My shadow.
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.
I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within
My shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.
I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.
I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.
See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.

WHAT I FEAR OF FRIENDS:
Pushit
I will choke until I swallow...
Choke this infant here before me.
What is this but my reflection?
Who am I to judge and strike you down?
But you're
Pushing and shoving me.
You still love me and you pushit on me.
Rest your trigger on my finger,
bang my head upon the fault line.
Take care not to make me enter.
'cause if I do we both may disappear.
But you're pushing me,
Shoving me. Pushit on me.
Slipping back into the gap again.
I'm alive when you're touching me,
Alive when you're shoving me down.
But i'd trade it all
For just a little bit of
Piece of mind.
Put me somewhere I don't wanna be.
Seeing someplace I don't wanna see.
Never wanna see that place again.
Saw that gap again today
As you were begging me to stay.
Managed to push myself away,
And you, as well.
If, when I say I may fade like a sigh if I stay,
You minimize my movement anyway,
I must persuade you another way.
There's no love in fear.
Staring down the hole again.
Hands upon my back again.
Survival is my only friend.
Terrified of what may come.
Just remember I will always love you,
Even as I tear your fucking throat away.
But it will end no other way.
WHAT I THINK OF THIS WORLD AND THE PEOPLE IN IT:
?nema
Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will.
I sure could use a vacation from this
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks
Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.
Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car.
It's a
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks
Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.
Some say a comet will fall from the sky.
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves.
Followed by faultlines that cannot sit still.
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits.
Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will cuz
I sure could use a vacation from this
Silly shit, stupid shit...
One great big festering neon distraction,
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied.
Learn to swim.
Mom's gonna fix it all soon.
Mom's comin' round to put it back the way it ought to be.
Learn to swim.
Fuck L Ron Hubbard and
Fuck all his clones.
Fuck all those gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.
Learn to swim.
Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and
Fuck your short memory.
Learn to swim.
Fuck smiley glad-hands
With hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional,
Insecure actresses.
Learn to swim.
Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna watch it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away.
Time to bring it down again.
Don't just call me pessimist.
Try and read between the lines.
I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend.
I wanna see it all come down.
suck it down.
flush it down.
HOW I SOMETIMES PERCIEVE SEX:
Prison Sex
It took so long to remember just what happened.
I was so young and vestal then,
you know it hurt me,
but I'm breathing so I guess I'm still alive
even if signs seem to tell me otherwise.
I've got my hands bound,
my head down, my eyes closed,
and my throat wide open.
Do unto others what has been done to you
I'm treading water,
I need to sleep a while.
My lamb and martyr, you look so precious.
Won't you come a bit closer,
close enough so I can smell you.
I need you to feel this,
I can't stand to burn too long.
Released in this sodomy.
For one sweet moment I am whole.
Do unto you now what has been done to me.
You're breathing so I guess you're still alive
even if signs seem to tell me otherwise.
Won't you come just a bit closer,
close enough so I can smell you.
I need you to feel this.
I need this to make me whole.
There's release in this sodomy.
For I am your witness that
blood and flesh can be trusted.
And only this one holy medium brings me piece of mind.
Got your hands bound, your head down,
your eyes closed.
You look so precious now.
( Show me something
Thought I could make it end
Thought I could wash the stains away
Thought I could break the circle if I
Slipped right into your skin
So sweet was your surrender
We have become one
I have become my terror
And you my precious lamb and martyr.) *
I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this
shit blood and cum on my hands.
I've come round full circle.
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon.
You look so precious.
HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF:
Sober
There's a shadow just behind me,
shrouding every breath I take,
making every promise empty,
pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path called "must we"
just before the son has come.
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
something but the past and done?
Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever.
I just want to start things over.
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down.
Trust me.
Mother Mary won't you whisper
something but what's past and done.
Trust me.
I want what I want.
HOW I FEEL ABOUT THE ENEMY:
Bottom
My compassion is broken now. My will is eroded,
and my desire stolen and it makes me feel ugly.
I'm on my knees and burning.
My piss and moans are the fuel that set my head on fire.
So smell my soul burning.
I'm broken, looking up to see the enemy.
I have swallowed the poison you feed me ...
but I survive on it,
and it leaves me guilt fed, hatred fed, weakness fed..
and I feel ugly, and dead inside.
Shit adds up at the bottom.
You've left me no choice but to go inside and rebuild
what's broken.
Too much, too far, too late to lie down now.
I must arm myself to fight you
by making weapons out of my imperfections.
It's all I have left.
There's no other choice.
I'm shameless, nameless, nothing, and noone now.
But my soul must be iron for my fear is naked.
I'm naked and fearless.
But I'm dead inside.
You see.. shit adds up, now I'm dead inside.
Hatred, weakness, and guilt keep me alive
at the bottom.
CHRIS:
Crawl Away
You crawled away from me.
Slipped away from me.
I tried to keep ahold,
but there was nothing I could say.
You slid and crept away
and there was nothing I could say.
So what you're trying to say
is you don't wanna play.
But what you want and what you need
doesn't mean fuck to me.
Because I can see your back is turning.
If I could I'd stick the knife in.
This is love.
This is my love for you.
Get up.
Now.
Say you won't go.
MY WARNING:
Swamp Song
My warning meant nothing.
You're dancing in quicksand.
Why don't you watch where you're wandering?
Why don't you watch where you're stumbling?
You're wading knee deep and going in.
And you may never come back again.
This bog is thick and easy to get lost in
when you're a stupid,dumb ass, beligerant fucker.
I hope it sucks you down.
Wander in and wandering.
Noone even invited you in.
But still you stumble in stumbling.
So suffocate
or get out while you can.
Noone told you to come.
I hope it sucks you down.

Thu, 28 Mar 2002 22:55:58 GMT

well my peeps im out!
jamil and beth thanks for everything today!!!!!

Thu, 28 Mar 2002 19:40:57 GMT

i wonder what is going on for easter!!!!!

A POEM

Thu, 28 Mar 2002 16:28:18 GMT

Lost In Your Arms
light the candle, start the fire,
our souls are burning with desire.
saliva dripping as we kiss,
sighs fall as we go through this.
play the music, sing your song,
notes of love never go wrong.
touch my body with your hands,
teach me love from across this land.
feel my breath against your face,
as we meet between this space.
drink the water, better if it's wine,
come inside and feel divine.
bring the stars, bring the night,
dance under the moon, make love by its light.
spout your poetry on the shore,
fell the waves crash as i scream for more.
let your body linger with mine,
lick everywhere our bodies met, truely sublime.
kiss my lips in haste,
mine is yours to taste.
make it slow, make it real,
open my love, and let me feel.
heated breaths, world of sighs,
harmony between my thighs, my soul flies,
the sun begins to rise.
hold me close, let me whipser into your ear,
i love you dear.
by:LL'00

Wed, 27 Mar 2002 23:28:44 GMT

well all i have to go now! again...
have fun kiddies!!!

Wed, 27 Mar 2002 23:25:53 GMT

so i have reported spark and if anyone would like to add their two cents at the abuse@livejournal.com team it would be much appreciated. im quite tired of not updating in my original journal!

Wed, 27 Mar 2002 23:15:34 GMT

well chris came over... and well hes convinced that im gonna try to fuck him over, honestly i want nothing to do with him, if things turn out the way i am worried they will i wont be around here and i dont want his name trailing along behind me. he has nothing to offer me or anyone else for that matter. his gf broke up with him, can i predict his life or what. so now i sit and wait.....

LOOKIE!!!!

Wed, 27 Mar 2002 20:24:11 GMT

Wed, 27 Mar 2002 20:15:26 GMT

DAS RIGHT AND IMMA BUST SOME ASS!!

Wed, 27 Mar 2002 17:19:20 GMT

sarahs pregnant and lets just put it this way my brother cant have kids.... im really confused about this, cause i know had she been sober it never would have happened and im really worried cause if he divorces her and takes her kids she'll kill herself.... i mean i told her no matter what happens or where she goes im gonna be there, and she was nice enough to buy me a test. supposedly im not pregnant, but wheres my period? it seems to have gone missing. if anyone sees it will you direct it this way please!! thank you!

Tue, 26 Mar 2002 19:56:24 GMT

some freaky shit is goin down i need to leave!!! youll all know in a day or so....

Tue, 26 Mar 2002 18:41:25 GMT

i think im gonna go hang out at sarahs house today, i dont want to be at home at all, cause i know the minute my dad gets home it'll be blah blah did you find a job... no i didnt cause really im not looking, and i dont give a fuck right now... im not worried about being employee of the century, i am worried about getting my left hemisphere and my right hemisphere back together to be able to think with one full brain again....

Tue, 26 Mar 2002 16:57:05 GMT

i am really not having a good day... im sick, and quite frankly i dont want to be happy... i want to be that person in my dreams who slices her wrists and lays in a tub of blood, with the water still running, as it cascades over the sides, with no one to to find, and no one to care... it would be so much simpler then....
nobody is the same to me anymore, people who i thought were my friends have turned their backs, so here i show my face. rebuked by the coldness of peoples hearts. and i cry, fingers pulling up words in a blur... i want to die... to kill whatever it is that has taken hold of me. i want to disappear in the wind.

why must i still hurt so much?

Mon, 25 Mar 2002 22:35:46 GMT

well all! im off to go get jake, and help him find an appt...

Mon, 25 Mar 2002 21:59:19 GMT

well chris is officaly freaked that im pregnant, honestly i dont know what to think, and hes all what if you are? well if i am i am and thats the way it goes, and he doesnt have to have any part in it. i dont believe i am, im 5 days late the latest ive ever been, and hes all well either of cant afford it, and i was like well i cant afford anything, what makes you think i can afford an abortion? its out of the question anyways, i dont agree with abortion, it may be for others and i believe its your right to chose but its not for me... and hes all like well this wont stay secret forever, and im just like well honestly if you dont want this to be about you it doesnt have to, i know youll hang out with me and the baby(if i have one) and still be able to keep it to yourself, and if youre afraid you cant then dont come around, it makes no difference to me, and i cant get mad cause it all comes back to me. well anyways i honestly think its a cycle change, but he freaks me out about it. and i told him the only time the secret would ever get out is when his kid is old enough to want to and to know who his daddy is. i havent even taken a test, and i wont til the end of the first week of april. if i havent gotten my shit by then which im sure i will. and honestly why the hell is he having unprotected sex if he is just gonna sit and worry about this shit? i mean really if it turns out i am pregnant ill do what i have to, and i told him he doesnt have to have any part in it, theres no we in it if hes gonna worry about his own selfish gain...

Mon, 25 Mar 2002 21:30:15 GMT

oh my god chris got his ass kicked by his supposed gf, and hes still with her and he almost broke her nose. and now they are trying to work things out, hahahaha this is so gonna be like soap opera drama.....

and im late.....

Mon, 25 Mar 2002 20:51:53 GMT

so anyways as i was saying... this weekend was fun, jake and i got together, and he spent the weekend here. my mom and i went shopping and bought all kinds of things for easter. she got me a hello kitty hat and a key chain with her dressed as a frog and a little bag with hello kitty bracelets. and i looked through to see what else they had, and found bed sets and all kinds of awesome stuff, i just have this feeling that every where you go with me around hello kitty shall be found :)

Mon, 25 Mar 2002 20:29:49 GMT

today i got asked what my biggest pet peeve was:
quite honestly its stupid people, ignorance is bliss my ass!!!! thats just what stupid people want you to believe so that they can control your minds, but i refuse to give into any of it.
and if i have to be driven into the far corners of lj lnad to get away from ignorance than i shall. cause quite honestly im tired of it. so here i am in my little haven that i created long ago, for just this particular purpose.